Old Thoughts 

I found myself walking to work for a section of town that wasn't the richest. 

I saw this man an old man and I pitied this man, not because his skin sagged or even because his gate wasn't the quickest 

I was scared of this man, I was scared of the life that 

He found himself in day after day. 

Know matter what, I couldn't live that way.

Wherever I go, I can't live the same life.

I can't have yesterday be the same as today,

Tomorrow be as bland as the rest

This loop can't stay this way

This need to be free 

I need this sense of adventure of chaos 

I was born to live that way 

The lost thoughts 

I feel them weighing on me as I sat there close to the water’s edge with my toes nearly brushing its crystal surface.

They’re all around us, and sadly it’s what defines us whether I defy them as an act of independence or over achieve them. I am shaped by what’s expected.

“Why must It hurt knowing they’re always there”

I could feel my mind and it brought me great despair knowing how empty it now was.

Long ago I learned from someone that I once loved you never need to decide who you are, let life decide that for you and just do what feels right and when it’s all over. Be proud of where you’ve been.
It’s that part that scares me as I sit gazing into the reflection of my face.

How can I be proud of where I’ve been.

When I’ve never been there alone

I Live with my regrets, I am ashamed but they make me who I am. Maybe just maybe if I make my amends. Then I hope they won’t bring me as much pain.

I know what I must do I need to be with Tobias

Even if he doesn’t think he needs to be with me.

Follow my heart and no matter what people say when I am laying there at the end I will know if I’ve made my amends

I stood and I looked at the sky that sparkled brightly

“I will save you even if it’s from yourself”

I know what needs to be done

Tobias isn’t the one that needs to be mended

Without him i’m the one that’s broken

The inky friend

My body went stiff and my legs locked as my hand began to burn.

Ink thick and silvery, like hot mercury dripping from my outstretched hand. It splattered the floor with a hot hiss against the concrete.

The feeling in my head making me scream, like a hot poker being pressed into my brain.

I wanted to black out, to have this pain stop but I couldn’t. Not a single thing I tried could do anything to halt it. I had only one thing at my disposal to do and that was to  watch as the ink dripped from the carvings on my flesh.It was all my fault i had let my addiction go to far.

I felt such fear, all alone in this massive factory, so late at night.

I watched in frozen terror as a small form started to emerge from the ink puddle on the floor like a small badly carved creature made completely out of silver. It gleamed in the moonlight that struck it from a high window on the east wall.

My head started to clear and I grabbed my hand in pain now that I could finally move it from the paralysis that had me in its clutches just moments before.

The silver inky substance seemed to have stopped flowing as a dark crimson red now stained my skin and I could see dried blood that now encrusted the scar on my arm where just moments before was ablaze with a bright white light

I looked back to the lump on the floor which looked less like a puddle and more like a small creature covered in silver.

It was slumped down with what I assumed its face turned towards the ground. I took a step closer still holding my hand firmly.

There was fear coursing through me but I sucked it up and continued crouching down to get a closer look. The creature seemed to tremble making its back look like little ripples on the suface of pond. Looking up at me,“what in the world are you little guy? “ I said sweetly as if talking to a baby.

 That’s what it looks like I thought to myself it’s so cute.

Milky ink trailed down its face revealing the most stunning eyes, it blinked at me catching the light in those large orbes that where fixed into its head. I turned my head in curiosity. A small milky bubble popped from where I could only assume was its nose.

I laughed to myself quietly which turned into a cough. I grabbed my stomach  where I was hit earlier.

My ribs are probably broken I thought to myself wincing in pain and grimacing at my stupidity. 

As I looked at the small creature a feeling of horror overtook me as I realized something very important was missing

Not a single comment, not a single funny remark

My voice,

My companion,

My only friend,

The voice in my head when everything felt dark

He was gone

I looked at the creature and a feeling of anger started to bubble as I realized when it appeared my friend disappeared.

“What did you do to me, I don’t want to be normal I screamed!”

I could feel the anger start to slowly consume me when i heard a familar voice that quieted the anger in me.

“I’m right here Elijah,” a voice said in my head  

“Why did you let me feel that way, “ I said out loud with a trace of hurt attached to it. 

I was waiting till you were  done but look at me aren’t I cute ?,he replied with a whisper though my thoughts distracting me from my pain.

“Wait …that’s you” I looked more closely at the small creature it snorted again and I laughed wincing a little. 

“my friend how did you?!” I exclaimed

I have no clue but we have more questions than answers now don’t we

“I guess we do”I replied as my voice carried through the darkness .

elijah’s message 

Diary entry #1

The Foreword


I have finally finished creating.

I spent months gathering the materials and carving the leather that wasn’t too easy to obtain here in the fold.The soul I had to pour in burned my core for weeks.

But It has been done

This is the start  to make you stay to let you know I need your help.

I need to fight my urges there becoming worse and this I hope will help.There’s something even more important than stopping me from endlessly carving phases and sentences and riddles into my flesh. Someone needs to know my story,ever since I found out I knew things would be different that things needed to be said.

I beg whoever gets these pages to let people know what’s happening in this so-called “sanctuary” this utopian.

It all started 5 months ago and that’s all I can say, I don’t have much time.I will start you where it began.More will come all will be revealed,Just know this

Do not join the fold

Do not come here

I will fix this,Even if I’m the last.






The bleeding darkness across the canvas of white
where it knows neither wrong or right
where it’s what you create from what you think
the endless crying of ink
seeping across the page like a disease
the greatest enemy of imagination is when your mind starts to freeze
words of insight a map to the freedom that you can obtain
if only you can manage to sustain
never let the hate of society put you in fear
don’t ever stop for the masses you pretend to shed a tear
let the ink run rampant through the field of white
to shine bright into the night
where you can never stop words from bringing it to light
let the ink flow for its writing that makes evil run in fright

Elijah’s Pain

This life, I live without choice
My world is dull but in no way not full
I feel less than all other souls
But I feel all of them
The world is filled with pain
Not one person is sane
But they call me insane
It’s this world that filled with selfish gain
I am an empty void of all feelings
My soul is dark and deep
But still, it knows all the secrets you keep
I am empty but I am full

June 28th

I did a lot of thinking last night and I came to the realization that I need to just be honest with everything that has happened in my life. So I’ve finally agreed with myself to tell my full story without omitting or downplaying things.


I have decided to change the names and places of all my memories because things are behind me now. I do know what kind of damage my memories can cause and I’ve realized as well it’s not the job of others to punish some of the people in my memories


My journal will be posting a story every day on my blog to share what has happened to me in hopes it will help others with their struggles

I do need  to say before I began that I love my family that I’ve made here and I adore my daughter

My life is wonderful and I look forward to every day


A while ago a made a story that is true and one of the biggest moments in my whole life

I didn’t know it at the time but it would come to shape who I am greatly

it will be posted around the same time as this one.




The lost child 


The Lost child

Crack I felt her hand, but it wasn’t the pain that frightened me, rather the noise.

Even now I don’t understand the emotions or thoughts that raced through my head. The shame I felt for the people who witnessed my punishment how awkward they must feel


“To the basement and take your brother,” She said her voice cracking


I hated the basement it was cold above all else.


“I want my mommy,” Cameron murmured as he squeezed my hand


“Well, mom doesn’t want us,” I said a little harshly as tears welled up in my eyes.


  I pulled Cameron in close as we huddled in the corner of what they called are a bedroom.I Reached down and gingerly rubbed my ribs.I wasn’t allowed to wear pants today and my shirt I had given to Cameron as his was confiscated. I winced in pain trying to inspect myself in the pitch black dungeon we called home.


   The pain from my black eye made me want to cry, but I beat it back with determination and pride. Who was I to cry I thought? I should be proud I am strong, so he doesn’t have to be, I keep up the fight when his runs out I take the beating

I promised to protect you, and that’s what I’ll do.I wiped my tears away and held tight to my brother.


“I will never leave,” I whispered into his ear that was covered with his messy blonde hair

Rarely cut anymore despite our “mother” being a hairdresser.


“Why would you ever leave, “ he said with innocence in his eyes


“I guess there isn’t a reason I would,” I said cracking a smile at his logic


  The concrete floor was starting to make our feet numb as we sat there huddled into the brick corner. I was having difficulty seeing Cameron now, but I could tell from the moonlight shining through the tiny window on the far side of the room.

He was sitting next to me shivering in the cold rubbing gingerly at his feet I knew he was losing feeling in his feet just as I was


“James I’m so cold why do they send us here, I miss are room upstairs,” Cameron said in confusion sniffling crying softly from the pain of the cold.

I squeezed my toes and the pain making me wince


“Come here little midget, “ I said; lovingly gesturing for him to sit on my lap up off the cold concrete.


 Before it Can suck the life out of him, he crawled slowly over to me just to feet, but it loosened so far away I looked around my eyes filling with moisture as I fought back the tears.

It was then that my mind notice


I saw them

They were there waiting to devour us, how dark it was.

I saw them

I saw them in the dark


 The darkness filled with long claws begging us to move an inch out of the moonlight.I Could hear them the gurgle their throats and the creaking of their weight. I could hear them I could tell they wanted to devour us their teeth and claws digging into our flesh.


“You can’t have him I am his protector you will never lay a hand on him,”I whispered into the darkness squeezing tight to Cameron.


 The shadows soon grew longer wrapping their cloaks around us I whispering over and over again together you can’t get us, together you can’t do I repeated to myself trying to convince me more than anything it became my chant to protect us from the evil in the world. It wasn’t long until the cold and exhaustion from protecting him from the monsters all day overtook me.


   It was hours later that I awoke. I looked around my eyes that had adjusted to the darkness. Cameron was laying on the floor next to me he had pulled his shirt down over his knees curled into the fetal position to keep warm.By now my body was entirely numb, and I had lost feeling in my feet and hands my chest hurt from the cold hard ground. But it was the ache in my stomach that hurt now most of all I just knew I had to eat as I hadn’t in a couple of days

I bent down picking up Cameron’s tiny, frail body, and I barely made it to the bed having to put him down just 4 feet from where we were sleeping in the dark My body it was exhausted weak.

He looked up at me saying what I was thinking.


“James I’m hungry.”   I looked at him, shame in my eyes.

“little man, I just there’s no food.”

I helped him up from the ground

“Get up on your bunk” I murmured “heat rises right.”


He shook his head in silent agreement “ they will get mad you know “ he said,

“ when aren’t they angry and what else can they take we don’t even have mattresses let alone blankets.”

If he only knew what they could still take, I thought as I remember to last night with Jon in his bedroom

 I laid there on the wooden bunks we liked to call beds but were really wooden shelves they had taken my blankets and mattresses a long time ago I don’t think I remember when the last time I regularly slept without freezing or aching for food.


 It was then that I made the decision to risk it all we needed food and if they werent going to give I would have to take. I guess it wouldn’t be the first time but this time felt different to me. As if there was a sense of doom overcrowding the events of the day I was so hungry, hardly cared the pain was almost unbearable, but I sucked it up, but I guess sometimes I wouldn’t feel normal without the constant clawing.

It seemed almost like a dream as I watched myself sneak across the room in the darkness not to alert Cameron and have him be an accomplice, the hunger was driving me. It didn’t take me long to make it up the stairs and into the kitchen It was almost as if the shelves were bursting with food

I grabbed the first thing that i could carry a can of Pringles, and it seemed to me the greatest thing I could ever have found.


   I quickly and quietly made it back to my bunk, The adrenaline rush in knowing my victory appeared to have warmed my bare body as I wolfed down half the can of Pringles before I heard Cameron stir. I went silent, and I waited for the sound of sleep that didn’t come.


“Do you have food? “ a silent pleading voice said from above


“ Um no buddy I don’t,” I said quickly without thinking


“But but I think I can smell it,” he said I could hear a slight hint of hope in his voice that I soon squashed selfishly


“There’s nothing go to bed “


 I turned over placing the can under the bed tucking it out of sight.I soon passed out again but this time, there was a warmth in my belly.


 But there was still a darkness looming over me. If only I knew, I would never see my brother or speak to him again.

If only I knew that was my last conversation, I would have with my only friend.



Dear Child,

I imagine you sitting there and your as beautiful as can be

I can’t say I know what you look like or how you speak

but I can say I love you more than you can know

your giggles fill my heart and just that makes my knees weak

I felt stuck in life as if  there wasn’t a point but the thought of you makes me feel free

I want to give you a life that will never make you bored, every moment filled with joy

I’m blessed that every year I’ll get to watch you grow

ill make sure you and happiness are never far apart

that I can teach you something important that I’ve learned

where you always follow your heart

June 27th

I am lost, I don’t know who I will be sharing this with but I do hope whoever reads this gets to know me and find some meaning in it

I can finally leave this behind me where it belongs and with this experiment, I hope to become a better person I do have some thoughts on what I can do to start. I do hope to start a schedule soon maybe right it up here on my journal ill get working on it tomorrow something that I hope will get me focused on what’s important.

There are so many things that have happened in my life that I don’t know where to start

  • work on schedule
  • figure out some goals
  • who I’m going to share this journal with
when I’m done with those things I will start on sharing the things that made me who I am. so one day at a time and soon ill get there